THE PAINTING IS HIDEOUS

“A friend is celebrating her 40th birthday with a big party to which I already RSVP’d. She told her guests that her wish for her birthday is a financial contribution to an acrylic painting she wants to purchase. It is the ugliest thing I have seen in a long, long time. The subject is ridiculous, it is poorly crafted, and it costs almost 2,000 Euros. I really don’t want to support this crap with my money. How can I get out of this?” Tobias, 44

Esteemed art critic, I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you.

You’re an arrogant fuck trumpet.

And now the bad news: There’s no getting out of this, not really.

If you buy her another present, you might as well add a card that says: “I don’t care about your personal wish. Here is the “Relax” gift set including bath salts, body peeling, and a scented candle. Congrats, you wrinkly cooch!”

Explaining to her why you are not chipping in is an equally bad idea. What are you gonna tell her? “You have incredibly bad taste. I am not supporting that because I cannot reconcile it with my excellent taste. I don’t give a shit that it’s your birthday and the only thing you asked for. I am more important than you.”

Not only is this insulting and hurtful, but it is also presumptuous and disdainful.

You know, my old lady didn’t feed me fish for the first couple of years. Even though I love fish! And you know why? Because SHE hates seafood. So SHE decided not to buy it. The bitch.

The only way to avoid giving money for the painting is to come up with a personal and unique present of your own. But I doubt you’re capable of this because it takes empathy and generosity. But then again, it seems like a practice that could be very beneficial for you.

Artsyfartsiest,
Felipe

Our columnist Felipe is a tomcat in his prime whose elegance, looks and sophistication made him an international success – as a model, muse and life coach. Born on the island of Majorca, this prolific feline works as the brand ambassador of Magnet Verlag publishing house and is designing his first jewelry collection. As of recently, Felipe has taken a sabbatical to do charitable work. For The Curvy magazine, he answers user questions from all fields of life.

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Text: Sabine Magnet
Illustration: Tanja Hirschfeld
Animation: Jochen Hirschfeld