I KILL PLANTS

“Plants are always dying on me. I have a black thumb, so to speak. I manage to destroy every bit of flora in my custody, even the ficus tree which my mother said I wouldn’t be able to kill. Well, I was, and it wasn’t even hard to do. Now my neighbor asked me to look after her plants while she is away. I told her that I am Miss Plant Death, but she said: “It doesn’t matter if one of them doesn’t survive.” Still, I have a bad feeling about this. When I kill a plant or two, I would want to replace them, which is a hassle and it costs money. Besides the pressure is driving me crazy. How do I go about this?” Claudia, 43

My dear Plantkiller, I like you.

Annihilating plants is an art. It requires a great amount of practice and years of experience until you’ve gained the perfect blend of indifference, fatalism and destructive energy which elevates the plant murder from dilettante accident to a sophisticated masterpiece.

I understand from your message that you are fairly advanced in your craft. The only thing holding you back is your guilty conscience.

Hence, I suggest the following: choose one of the neighbor’s plants which will not survive her owner’s vacation. Inspect it carefully, study her and her oddities. Now decide why the plant deserves to die: Is she spreading out too much, growing into forbidden territory – who does she think she is? Does she provoke you by shedding leaves and littering up the floor? Or maybe she is just ugly or stupid or smells bad. Whatever it is, find the reason, find the story.

Then you have to ponder how you are going to kill her. The poisoned drink is a classic. Excavating her and letting her die of thirst is a lengthy process, so you have to take action immediately. Or do you prefer to drown her? Everything is possible!

My signature kill is the urinary bomb, that’s why the call me “Assassin P.” But you have to take the strong odor into consideration. Anyway, find out which technique is most you – and apply it.

The first deliberate murder is a transformative event. Honor it with a ritual of your choosing.

After that, it is only a matter of time until nobody asks you anymore if you will look after their plants. I wish you much success on your journey and a lot of fun.

Slay, queen!
Felipe

Our columnist Felipe is a tomcat in his prime whose elegance, looks and sophistication made him an international success – as a model, muse and life coach. Born on the island of Majorca, this prolific feline works as the brand ambassador of Magnet Verlag publishing house and is designing his first jewelry collection. As of recently, Felipe has taken a sabbatical to do charitable work. For The Curvy magazine, he answers user questions from all fields of life.

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Text: Sabine Magnet
Illustration: Tanja Hirschfeld
Animation: Jochen Hirschfeld